DEAR XHACTU!
An Exciting New Advice Column
(sponsored by Owl & Heron Press)
Send in your burning questions, which Xhactu will answer—maybe.
- Dear Xhactu: What is the nature of love? (John W.)
—Dear John: Love is what you inferior Earthlings call “mush puppies.” We superior inter-galactics call “love” the Super-Glue of Everything (i.e., the gravitational field of dark matter).
- Dear Xhactu:Is the power of dreams growing?(Merrilee B.)
—Dear Merrilee: It could grow, if only Earthlings would open their eyes and try imagining for a change. But … unfortunately … they don’t … [crackle, crackle, universal translator heating up]
- Dear Xhactu:Will there be a Second American Civil War?(Anonymous.)
—Dear Anonymous: What you mean “will,” Earthling? Civil War already happening. Open your eyes!
- Dear Xhactu:Will I find fame and fortune?(Fred F.)
—Dear Fred: Sorry, Earthling, the answer is no.
- Dear Xhactu: Donald Trump says you are a “fake alien.” Are you? (Anonymous.)
—Dear Idiot, Here is your answer in glalac-speak: DWUKKPQZIT!!!!