Xhactu’s “Declaration of Independence”
Attentio- all Earthli-gs! Now hear this! I, Xhactu the Magn-ficent, have performed a swift, highly-tech-ical and, might I say, brilliant star-field repair of my inter-gala-tically-certified universal translator. It has now bee- restored to a 36.788 % Earth-speak func-ioning status. Better tha- before, eh?
This of course will dis-ppoint all of you Earthling fan- of silly, so-called—crackle, sputter—sci-fi fictio—crackle—like The Day the Ea-th Stoo- Stillll!
You no longer nee- to watch tha- inf-rior movie wi- Mikae- Re-nie as Klatu. Goo- ridd-nc-!
Ah, excuse m- whil I ad-ust this ci-cuit. [Bzzzz-wheeeeeeng-bong-bon-, etc.]
[Testing, testing. There, that’s better, ain’t it? I mean, isn’t it? Yes, now we’re back to 88.9963631 % efficacy of Earth-speak. We’re “back on track,” Earthlings!]
Let me start over. I know many of you are anxious to ask me more galactic questions. I’m more than happy to answer them—maybe.
Now. First question. Anyone? Yes, you in the corner.
- Uh, dear Xhactu, if you inter-galactics are so superior, how come your universal translator broke down? Thank you. Rocky the Gremlin.
Xhactu: Dear Rocky, what kind of a name is that? You’re wasting my space-time, Earthling! “Rocky” sucks! But Gremlin is supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Don’t you have technical faux-pas all the time, with your so-called computer “upgrades”? The ones that just make things worse? And don’t your computers “crash” all the time? Like when space ships crash into asteroids and comets?
Rocky: Well, yeah, sure, but …
Xhactu (turning green): Yeah what?
Rocky: Uh, well, I don’t …
Xhactu: Of course, you don’t! Next question?
- Dear Xhactu. You don’t have to get so bent out of shape, do you? Thank you. Glenda.
Dear Glenda: Weren’t you the Wicked Witch of the West?
Glenda: Why no, Xhactu. I was the Good Witch. I mean, the Good Fairy!
Xhactu: Intergalactically speaking, there are no Good Fairies.
Glenda: Why?
Xhactu: Because all the Good Fairies went bye-bye.
Glenda: Where did they go?
Xhactu: Over the rainbow! Where else?
Glenda: Oh, now I see. It’s all crystal clear now.
- Dear Xhactu. Were you really a Basque shepherd in the Pyrenees in a past life? Thank you. Joey Beetlebomb.
Xhactu: Of course. Don’t you see these scars? (Points to orange strips on center foot.) That’s where the wolves got hold of me, and started dragging me away from the fire.
Joey: Why did they do that? Thanks.
Xhactu: Why? Why, the better to eat me, idiot. What do you think?