“DEAR XHACTU”
An Exciting New Advice Column
(Sponsored by Owl & Heron Press)
Send in your burning questions, which Xhactu will answer—maybe.
1. Dear Xhactu: You appeared in a dream and the question that occurred to me was: Is there a cosmic or universal library, and if so, how can it be accessed? (Estela)
—Dear Earthling Estela:
Your question is dear to my “heart,” if we can call it that. Personally, I would prefer to use the galac-speak term for heart—WWQMPFOPPE*<>—which as you can see is vastly superior to, and more illuminating than, your Earth-speak term.
But I suppose we’re stuck with Earth-speak.
Anyway, yes, of course there is a cosmic “library” as you call it—not one, but many, many, many, many, many of them, in fact. The last estimate by the Intergalactic Council put the figure at about 1038 power, and counting. If you really want to count the so-called “libraries,” let alone to read any of the so-called “books,” you need to achieve fluency in what your so-called scientists call the “quantum realm.” (It embarrasses me to use Earth-speak in reply to your question.) Quantum computing, as it were, gives you three pathways into real intergalactic knowledge and wisdom: (1) the first lies with your so-called “animals,” most of whom are actually space-travelers marooned on your idiotic planet millions of your “years” ago (the animals are actually more inter-galactically-oriented than any of your two-legged Earthlings); (2) the second pathway requires learning the string-knot techniques of the quipu, an Inca term acquired during one of the first Inter-Galactic Exoplanet Exchange Festivals. You can still see the landing fields where the space-ships gathered in what you call the Atacama Desert in “Chile”; (3) the third and most direct pathway, of course, is to descend to the bottom of a “black hole,” where your so-called scientists are finally discovering that “Time stops” altogether. There you can read anything you want, to your “heart’s” content.
Of course, that takes some training. But perhaps the one called “Owl Man” could take you on a wormhole journey to the nearest “blackie,” as your “Queenie” called them, and you could practice the training. She was very nice to me, by the way, at that Ceilidh of Dreams.”
I’m sorry I had to resort to inferior Earth-speak to answer your so-called “question,” but isn’t that just the way the cookie crumbles?
Too bad my space-ship is still caught in that ZQPD#^X “loss of narrative thrust” (pardon my galac-speak language!). I think you’d like it, especially the Probing Facilities, of which I am very proud.
Your friend, Xhactu